me.

 
FUCK
you did it again
and again
and again
stop it.
get out of my head.
get out of my life.
just leave or come back.
thats all i ask.
and right now
just leave.
fucking damnit.
posted by Teresa at 10:59 PM

 
Fucking dammit.
Tess, look at yourself.
Don't you dare cry.
Don't even think about letting yourself.
Now sit for a minute and look at yourself.
It's 10:50 at night.
You have math work, four pages of a paper, and a bibliography to do.
And it's 10:50 at night.
Are you even focussing?
NO. You're thinking about him again.
Why do you let him control you?
Why do you let him matter?
Tess, listen to me.
No one else can make you love yourself without him.
Don't fall apart.
Don't even think about it.
You've gotta make it to tomorrow.
You've got to handle it one day after another.
You can't hold anybody this way.
You don't need him.
You hear me?
You don't.
He's just a boy.
I KNOW he's chris, and i KNOW it's hard. don't you think i know?
but look at me. i'm strong. i'm as strong as you'll ever see.
Tess, look at yourself.
Look at what you've done to yourself.
Look at what you've let him do.
Tess.
Come on.
Why can't you be strong?


posted by Teresa at 10:58 PM

 
I'm trying to stay positive.
Trying with all my heart.
And I still miss you and I still care because nothing'll ever change that.
But maybe just maybe I'd like to think I'm getting there
getting strong
He'll love you
He won't love you
But you've got to 'cause you're stronger than you were before
He'll be there
He won't be there
But you'll be there and you're stronger than you were before.
You will be stronger if you look inside.
It all works out with time.
I have this feeling that they're something more than what you're telling me
behind this story of perfection vs maturity
its all coming back to me now
over the mountain i see the bright sunshine
and i want to live inside the glow
itll all work out
its just taking time
but im getting better
stronger?
i dont want you to be my everything
i dont want you to be what i depend on
and yet, somehow, you are.
ack.
i want to go to beautiful
i want to go to beautiful
i want to go to beautiful
i want to go to beautiful
Beautiful
please understand
that it's not that i don't care
but right now these walls are closing on me
i love you more than i love life itself
but i need to find a place where i can breathe.

posted by Teresa at 6:05 PM

 
a rolling stone gathers no moss?
what the hell is that supposed to mean?
i hate this decoding
this uncertain decoding
goosebumps across my empty arms
and cramping in my nervous stomach
i turn the music up real loud so it drowns out the sound of all the hopeful clicking
in case you fail to notice
in case you fail to see
this is my heart bleeding before you
this is me down on my knees

its not that i expect you to know exactly what i mean, or that i think youd make it better even if you did
but why do you have to blow me off?
i wont be avoided
i cant be avoided
we're not even broken up
if that's what you want say it and get it over with
and i'll post vague away msgs and avoid the truth of what needs to be said
and wait to see if you'll put anything out there
what sucks is that i dont know when you'll be back
to me
back to me
back to you
isn't it ironic?
posted by Teresa at 7:15 PM

 
this isnt the way things are supposed to be
and im sure of it and you cant play dumb with me
because im not stupid
and maybe you let me in too far
but dont blow me off
im still here
and ive got feelings
and ive got to know
where do we go from here?
where do we go now?
if you want to break up
say it.
I want to break up.
This is the way that I say I need you.
I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm learning that you and you alone can break my fall.

Your name looks so friendly there on my buddy list
even though its just your mobile anyway...
Never knew that I could hurt this bad.
I want you to come back, and I want things to be the same
or if not the same what about friendship?
how do you want things to be
i dont want to pressure you
and im tired of asking questions in circles but...
i need answers
we cant walk around avoiding each other
i dont want to be around you if i dont think you want me there
but if you do then i will be right beside you.
this is the way that i say i need you
this is the way that i say i love you
this is the way that i'm yours
this is the way this is the way that i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall

its the truth and you know i care more than words
but im so filled with uncertainty about you and your feelings and thoughts and everything inside you
dammit
give me an answer
please.
i dont know how im supposed to function like this
dont say it if you dont mean it
"i'll always care about you"
is bullshit if you don't back it up
which you're not doing
i need answers
i'll give you time but not willingly
begrudgingly
and i'll spend my time taking a nap and thinking about all that's happened between us
and i'll wait to see where all of this goes
and i'll check my mail and pray that its from you
and wonder
and sit
and wonder
BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL
posted by Teresa at 4:46 PM

 
well it's been far too many days
almost a week, actually
i'm feeling ugly and inadequate, and there's no sign from you to tell me that's not the truth
so i don't know what this means? last night i was sure you'd just decided it was over...
maybe you're avoiding me. i'd rather be told the world's crashing than be avoided.
but then again maybe it's only a matter of minutes before you get online and we talk and everything's the same
i dont understand you unless you let me...
and i stand in church and it's easter sunday and reminiscent of exciting easter bunny mornings, and grandparents, and brunches...and i'm remembering where i was at this time last year...
in this journey to me, and to you, and to what's now and real and all of that...i've lost something that i won't get back easily
and probably i'll never get it back.
there's so much falling in on me but i've still got hope for you
I don't know what's going through your head...I just hope to talk to you today...and I hope it's not over, and i do still care...and...this doomed feeling inside isn't helping a thing.

posted by Teresa at 12:21 PM